It's been a while since I have blogged, I continue to write in my journal but often forget about this neat little technological advancement of sharing my thoughts with a cyber world. Life has not been easy. I say that because what type of person would I be if all I ever told you were my joys, successes, and excitements. The truth is being a follower of Christ has an eternal glory, but sometimes a current pain. Paul puts it best: ESV version copied from biblegateway. 2 cor. 4
16So we do not lose heart.(AJ) Though our outer self[c] is wasting away,(AK) our inner self(AL) is being renewed day by day. 17For(AM) this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, 18(AN) as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.
This has been one of my favorite verses for over a year now, a beacon of light and hope. See this semester has been hard, as paul said a momentary affliction. I'm sure if you're around me you know that. I have dealt with emotional, physical, spiritual weariness. Death, sickness, detachment, betrayal, controversy, confusion, spiritual warfare, and just plain hurt. I have been tired beyond understanding. I just prayed for this break to be a relief, restoration, relaxation, etc. God has definitely shown up BIG, like ephesians 3 says exceedingly abundantly more than i could ask think or imagine. On the other hand I feel the more He has shown up, the more He has worked on my behalf, the more I have failed this week. I've been ignorant, selfish, and haven't listened as the Holy Spirit has spoken.
So many realizations have come in the past two days as i wrestled my flesh, my spirit, my mind, my heart. etc.
One is... ministry is hard. I have felt my calling to be in ministry since I was ten, and ran away from that as even an option until I was 16. When I was sixteen God made it perfectly clear to me that ministry would be in my future. Since that time I've seen Him mold me, develop me, and give me many opportunities to prepare me for this lifestyle. I've been prophesied over too many times to count all saying the same for my future. I've had mentors such as pastors, pastors wives, youth pastors, evangelist and as i've had discussion after discussion meal after meal talking about full time ministry they've all said the same. You must be selfless because this is not easy. There is heartache, pain, frustration, conflict, drama... I've heard the warnings and never once have I questioned my calling.
Two is... now i wonder. As more and more occurs in my personal ministry, my lubbock ministry, my liberty ministry, my tech ministry, as the hurts have come, the successes, the salvations, the healings, the back sliding, the disappointment, the lies, as i have truly encountered many aspects of ministry, i once again sit here questioning it all. I just don't know if i'm cut out for this.
Three is... I am a sinner by birth, in a fallen world, living often for my flesh. I read so many times the words of paul in romans displaying our constant battles w/ sin and our flesh, the encouragemnt of him to live in the spirit, the fruits of the spirit, a life pleasing to God. I have never doubted these things, but today i am humbled beyond measure. The grace and mercy of my God, to look upon me, and see Christ blood, see a payment for sins, to see me as friend, child, daughter! why, oh God, why? His plan for sanctification is far beyond my understanding, as I have failed over and over, learned, and failed again.
I know this is a random process, but i can't think about an old song Sister act. "Lord send a revival, Lord send a revival, and let it begin in me"
I'm in need a redemption, restoration, revival that only my God can bring. I feel Him working, I see Him moving, and I have a hope in something beyond this world. Keep me in your prayers as I press on toward the goal, as I look heavenward to my Maker, as I battle this world, this flesh, as I pray for restoration, for a renewed mindset. God never stopped being faithful and I know He never will. I have seen Him do so many amazing things this week and in the previous weeks, it seems as though for every hard thing, He brings an encouragement, a miracle, a testimony, a salvation, something to that keeps me pressing on, keeps me pressing in. I know there is more good to come and more hard to come, i can just pray for my faith to increase.