The Return...

I'm sitting here listening to Kim Walker... "I am my beloved's and He is mine, I am my beloved's and He is mine, I am my beloved's and He is mine". Sometimes you need a good friend to smack you in the face with some truth. I have been home for almost 2 wks and it has been a pretty rough two weeks, and i have to confess that I have not handled these attacks and trials with the best faith. This will probably end up being jumbled thoughts, as most of my blogging is :)
Africa was exciting and i loved my trip, but afterwards I wasn't on some huge spiritual high, the trip wasn't earth shattering, i learned things i needed to learn and we were met by God, but it wasn't like I saw those things i've just never seen before. The thing that made the mission so perfect for me is simply getting to live simple. Waking up spending time w/ the Lord, having breakfast, going out and working for the Lord, preaching, praying, evangelising, spreading the GOOD NEWS, having lunch, and going out to do more work for the Lrod, then having dinner and going to bed. No cell phone, minimal internet, and just lots of living as a vessel. The days i found myself most frustrated in Africa were the days that were our off days, safari day, or days we didn't have plans for the afternoon. I'm a doer, i in myself struggle w/ sabbath, i struggle w/ rest, i want to DO, and that was just intensified being in a foreign country and seeing so much that needed to be done.
So as I came back, w/o naming it, i wanted to just stay in step w/ Africa, I wanted to come back and keep preaching, keep ministering, keep seeing salvations everywehre i walked. Sunday i thought sweet God, you've brought me here and there is no turning back. My Pastor allowed me to testify about Africa and ended up having a healing service where I was able to minister, lay hands on, pray for, and see people healed. I loved it, it felt like Africa w/ english and air conditioning. Then i taught youth taht night. But then Monday set in. Just another normal day of waking up, meeting w/ some friends, hanging out, . . living. I didn't realize it immediately but do now of course. A bitterness began to set in. Of God why do I get to go and do all these things, use my gifts, love seeing lives transformed for you, just to come back to liberty and be normal again!!! I see the pride in this now, OBVIOUSLY. On top of feeling this way my family is being attacked greatly. One grandmother in the hospital, my grandma's aunt dying, my mom flipping her car... Though God's protection and presence has been all over the scene, i have been frustrated w/ Him. Maegan having obviously picked up on this attitude had encouraged me to come up here (i'm in college stations where she lives) and spend the mornings w/ the Lord alone and the afternoons hanging out w/ her. This morning i arose and decided to clean before getting into my personal Jesus time, but she had asked that i just listen to kim walker's cd while cleaning. As I cleaned one block at a time began breaking off of my heart... until it got to this part.. "I am my beloved's and He is mine..." i've heard this song numerous times at lubbock international house of prayer, but in that moment it just began to make me weep. I finished my cleaning and climbed into the shower (my secret place w/ the Lord haha) as i began to pray and hear the words coming from the stereo i fell face down weeping and the spirit of the Lord came in THICK and a song rose up in my spirit... "redeemed, redeemed, redeemed, you are redeemed, I see the blood, you are redeemed, I lift you up, redeemed, redeemed, redeemed" i began singing it back to the Lord...
This morning was restoration, it was redemption. Over a week's worth of attitude wiped a way in a single prayer of humbleness. I think post-africa i've learned there are seasons. Seasons of training and learning. In africa i learned more about myself than i did about anything else. I understood ministry, salvation, healings, preaching etc. i'd known those things, but maybe i hadn't known me so much. i learned what i enjoyed doing, what i didn't enjoy doing, i learned when i got an attitude and when i allowed things to bother me, i learned where i lacked in faith and where i was strong in faith, where i trusted God and where i absolutely did not, i learned where i was open and where i was closed... I found me there. But africa was a season, and now it's a new one. For now it's liberty, then youth camp, then back to lubbock for 6 more months before it's on to grad school. Each is a season, some of those seasons i'm called to sweep the floors, some to preach, some to minister, some to intercede, some to sit in the pew and learn... but each a season.
I'm thankful for friendship that has learned to push me. I'm thankful for redemption.
On a really personal and side note: In this i've desired a husband more than ever. A husband to travel the nations with. To watch him (God willing) preach and be a vessel for the Lord to bring healing, salvation, redemption to the nations. I've wanted him to push me and encourage me. So I pray for him and can't wait til the day that we'll live this life for the Lord, together.
J. Tate