Defines me

I am taking a leap today and I am going to school w/o crutches. I don't feel this is a stupid decision, since the swelling has dramatically decreased and i'm seeing great improvement in the realm of pain... yay! I was told it'd be at least 1-2wks on crutches and i'm getting off of them in 2 days!!! i'm excited.
I want to talk about what defines me. I woke up this morning thoroughly unexcited about this day. This was way different from yesterday, because yesterday I couldn't wait to get up and get moving and head to the EG staff meeting! But this morning as i arose i thought, eh i can just stay in bed, i dont have class until 12 and i have nothing i need to get done, i got all my errands done yesterday, there is no point in even getting out of bed. I arose an hour or so later, came and played around on facebook/twitter/skype/email etc. Then pulled out my bible read, went outside and prayed, came back in and sat down. it was only 1030 or so. I debated on what to do. I decided there is always more to pray about, so i went back outside. As I set down i just felt this great urge to talk to God about whatever this blah feeling was, this feeling of nothing, no excitement, no motivation, no purpose.
This is what i learned about myself in the next few moments of venting w/ the Lord. I am a highly motivated, energetic, passionate, person when given a specific task. I love tasks. I enjoy having a list of things to do and going one by one down the list. I enjoy being involved in ministry and knowing my responsibilities and accomplishing them. I have however yet to build the discipline of waking up and saying ok God, today is your day, all i have is class from 12-2 what do you want me to do for you today? Rather than that, i have the outlook of great this day stinks, i'm going to go to class, probably hang out w/ some friends some, come home do some homework, no actual plan, and that i hate!!!
I love organized ministry (haha). I have spend the last 3 years at Tech always involved in some sort of ministry. Whether it be a counselor, leadership, team leader, for foundation or leadership, small group leader, etc for wesley, or Lubbock IHOP, Encounter God, Young Life, etc. whatever it may be. I've always had that. I knew that I would wake up at this time, i'd do this, i'd go to class, then i'd go on to my responsibilities to the students, kids, youth, etc. whoever I was set up to minister to that day. I've never been in LBK over the summer. The last 3 summers i've been back home working at the church, the school, or BCAC. Still i knew everday i would have a chance to minister to the youth i'd planned lunch to, the kids i was teaching that day, the wounded families that came into BCAC. My life i must say has been for the most part for the last 3 years STRUCTURED. Now I find myself here. It's the summer, i have one class a day, no responsibilities to the Wesley, EG is just meeting once a week to start getting things together and i spend some personal time working on it but nothing with students, I don't have a job (mainly because i haven't found one yet), and I have to say this is Winter in my world of ministry. There is a few pastors and mentors that I really look up to, Upon returning from Rwanda I was really blessed to be "filled up" by them. To speak w/ them one on one to hear and learn it was so good. Roger Siratt spoke to a small group of us during camp. This man has seen things in his life that the Lord has done that I can only dream of seeing, he's been ALL over the world, he is an amazing man of God. He said just like there are 4 seasons for the weather, there are four seasons for ministry. Summer is when there is so much ministry the heat is on, you're toiling through each day working and working... now i could go through each season but for the purpose of not making you read a book i'll skip to winter. Winter is a time where it seems things have calmed down a bit, as someone in full time ministry it means you may not have as many speaking engagements, as a youth minister maybe the kids are doing well and consistent w/ little challenges, for me it means there's not a lot of speaking i'm having to do, actually i haven't had to prepare a single lesson since the week before youth camp, i've only met w/ two students since being in LBK and gone street evangelizing once, basically the point i'm getting at is as far as doing what we call "ministry" there hasn't been a lot of it. I think about what Roger said for during winter. He said work on preparation for the other seasons. Write some sermons, spend a lot of time doing in depth studies of the word, spend tons of time in prayer and just soaking in God's presence, so that when the season changes you've been built up, filled up, and you're ready to go. See now it's confession time. I struggle at this. I enjoy in depth studies of the Word, i enjoy praying and sitting before the Lord, but I like it so much more when I know i'm going to go out and share it, pour it out, etc.
I have gotten to where what i'm doing defines me in my eyes. If i'm not doing, then what am i? who am i? If i'm not teaching youth, mentoring kids, working a job, taking classes, meeting and pouring out w/ others, witnessing, then really what am i hear for? I've prayed psalms 27:4 for 2 years. Basically saying one thing i desire to sit and behold the beauty of the Lord. I've taught tons of lessons on intimacy and being intimate with the Lord. And now i'm seeing my own weakness in this. I'm seeing my lack of intimacy. My struggle to sit before Him and enjoy Him. I think i have the prideful mentality of thinkin somewhere that I don't need Him unless i'm doing "ministry". I put quotes around "" ministry because i'm meaning specific organized ministries, not living my life as a ministry, witnessing to those around us, etc. . . Maybe i've got it in my head that i spend time with the Lord so that I give the lesson He wants, I lay hands on the ones He wants, and if i dont spend time w/ Him maybe they won't get healed, maybe the lesson won't impact them, maybe in a lunch discussion i'll say the wrong thing, i'll forget a scripture etc.. . . somehow it's become a little bit too much about me and my ministry and not about HIM AND well, His relationship w/ me.
As I sat w/ Pastor Mike and talked this summer he said something i'd heard many times before but for the first time it clicked. He said Jessika I don't wear out, i dont fall, i don't lose passion, because i fill myself up first. I delight in the Lord, i stay in His presence, every day i spend time with Him because my relationship w/ Him comes first. I can't do my assignment or help anyone without a relationship with Him. We kept on talking discussing His relationship w/ the Lord, then His family's, then ministry. It impacted me because i realized that so many times, i live off of what is stored up inside of me, instead of everyday loving this relationship i have w/ the Lord, loving God, and putting Him and not ministry as a priority.
So here I am in this winter time, feeling useless, unproductive, because today i have no appointment to be @, i have no ministry meeting, it's just a typical day. If i define myself by ministry i will always be dissatisfied. I want to define myself with the Word. Who God says I am, I want to be... I want to delight myself in Him and find peace and contentment w/ just Him. I want to find a way to cry out Ps. 27:4 and it to be true.
Oh this sanctification walk... it never ends, but it's worth it :)
j. tate