I have been touched this week, I have been changed and it's with a message that I want the world to hear. So I'll start with my first platform, this blog... then I'll move to my other platforms the Lord has given me and any other He opens up... I'll shout it from rooftops if I need to. As you read this blog, know that I am opening up some of the things that I've felt and have hardly talked to anyone about, in an effort that others will be touched too!
Let me first say I should have known that breakthrough was coming. The past two weeks have been rough. I've been attacked physically and emotionally. I had some hard circumstances, I had to make tough decisions, some hurt, some came easily, some I may not fully understand even now. As I was sitting at my mentor's house on Saturday having lunch I was telling her about what all had happened in the past 12 hours (yes most of this came from one 7 hour night of just me and God) and she said well I knew that God was about to do something big in your life because look at all the preparation, resistance, and growing you just went through! I was like what are you talking about? I just went through 2 really bad weeks. She said if you think about them as bad you're never going to stick with this, but if you look at them as a growing period, a time where God is trying to do something and the enemy is trying to stop it, you'll grow through it. Gosh, she's always right. So I should have known breakthrough was coming, I went through a not so fun growing period.
Let me just dive in and explain circumstances so I can explain my revelation. Friday night I laid down to sleep and just COULD NOT SLEEP. I began to pray (mainly to get some sleep I had to be up at 6 AM to head to Houston the next morning!) and then I would lay my head down tossing and turning for another 10 minutes. Finally (light bulb) I said God do you just need me to shut up and listen? I got up out of bed to really say "Lord here I am, I really am listening". He spoke. God is faithful like that. He said draw near to me and I'll draw near to you (James 4:8) He didn't say He might. He said He would, so when I got up and said okay God I'm listening for YOU, He came near. God speaks to me the way I wish more people would speak to me, to the point, direct, loving and compassionate, but not beating around the bush. He said "You don't enjoy me".
Those of you who have heard me speak know (I tell on myself a lot in messages) I for some reason argue with God. You would think after years of doing this walk and realizing He never says anything that's not true that I would just be a "Yes Lord" kind of gal, but not yet, i'm working on it. I responded to Him. "GOD! I DO ENJOY YOU. I love you. I pray, I read my Bible, I sing, I dance, I worship, I ENJOY YOU!".... AGAIN HE SAYS "You don't enjoy me". I respond.... "God if you're saying I don't enjoy you then fine you're going to have to teach me what you mean and how to do it, because I obviously don't understand!"
The next 5-6 hours were spend praying, listening, worshiping, and feeling impressed to do certain things, feeling convicted about certain things. God basically showed me how I have made my relationship with Him a job.
My personality is task oriented. Make me a list and I'll get it done. I am a hard worker (thank you randy tate for instilling this into me). Just tell me what to do and I will get it done. At some point I applied this to Christianity. This is not to say I haven't had a relationship with the Lord for the past few months and it's not even to say it became routine, it's to say that I lived in constant condemnation and in over achiever mode. I read the bible in 90 days because I just knew I needed to get more Word, I would wake up at 4:30 to read and pray because I just needed to be a better daughter, I'd do this do that do this... etc. All the while still feeling like it wasn't good enough I HAD TO DO MORE IF I WAS EVER GOING TO BE WHO GOD WANTED ME TO BE. I had to spend more time in prayer, get less sleep, lay around less, do more work, be at the church more, help out more, read the Bible more, preach better, witness more, share Christ more. etc.
Can I stop and say one thing. All of those are good things. All of those are true, we should be doing more. It wasn't what I was doing that was wrong, it was my mind set, I wouldn't even say it was my heart. My heart was that I wanted to be the best Christian I could be, the best Child of God I could be, the best friend I could be, the best person I could be, the best teacher/coach I could be, the best youth worker, the best speaker, I just wanted to reach my potential, but through it all I still just felt discouraged like I would never be good enough to really achieve what God has in store for my life. I would go through a sort of roller coaster emotions as I would spend time with the Lord and feel His love, grace, peace, and mercy then I would feel like I still am not doing enough, I still need to do more, "my God why isn't the whole 6th grade saved yet I've been teaching here a year?!?" I know it sounds laughable when you write it out, but I seriously battled condemnation.
As the night wore on with the Lord, I felt His tangible presence. He did convict me of a few things I needed to change, tangible decisions that needed to be made, but He also showed me how condemnation flees when I realize He enjoys me.
Whoa. Hold up, wait a minute, the God of the universe enjoys me? But, I'm not where I should be, tons of kids aren't flocking to me to lead them to Christ, the alter isn't always flooded after I give a message, I broke a clip board in class the other day because I lost my temper, how can you say you enjoy me?!? This is the revelation that needs to spread from the pulpit to the pews when Christ died to cover your sins, HE COVERED YOUR SINS! God sent Jesus to break down the middle wall of separation and bring you to HIMSELF, WHY? Because He created you so that He could enjoy you.
You don't marry someone you don't enjoy being with (it's sad we have to alter that statement in today's society, but you know what I mean). Christ paid a price for His bride, He wants to be with her, He enjoys us! He likes me. He likes spending time with me, He likes watching me flourish and grow, He loves when I come to Him and admit my faults and my hurts, my aches my pains, my concerns. He likes to watch me coach because I love it. He enjoys me living life and enjoying the life that He gave me and the truth is He wants me to enjoy Him as much as He enjoys me.
I could talk about enjoying Him for another 16 passages, but i know the longer this gets the less people will read it to the end, so we'll make this part one and I'll continue talking about what happened next and what enjoying Him means in the next blog.