Search me Oh God and know my heart.Try me and know my anxious thoughts; And see if their be any hurtful way in me; And lead me into the everlasting. (Ps. 139:23)
Just yesterday morning I told you that I have been praying Psalm 139 over myself and of course I'm seeing God respond. Perhaps I'm not the only person that prays for God to do something and then regrets that prayer when He actually does it?
Take for instance "God I'll go anywhere" and then He sends you to Somalia, Afghanistan, or Chad. How about "God I'll do anything" and He says give away your car to that lady walking down the street, see that homeless lady under the bridge give her your favorite necklace. You know that lady in the church you hardly talk to slip her a few hundred dollars without her knowing. Or maybe He's just saying go mow their yard, write them an anonymous card. Do things out of love for those that aren't easy to love and don't let your left hand know what your right is doing. God wants to see if our heart is there not just our actions.
Have you ever noticed how easy it is to give to my family or close friends, but when He asks me to give to someone I'm never going to see again, it's a little bit harder, perhaps there is a pride issue there. I wonder how many times I've cried out God I'll do anything, I'll go anywhere, and then I've ignored the call because it wasn't where I wanted or giving to whom I wanted or even giving what I wanted. After this past week I'm under the belief that if we haven't been giving something that seemed EXTREME or if it wasn't to someone that just seemed ludicrous then I haven't really been tuning in. The Holy Spirit is always calling us to do a little more than what seems normal or rational. Plenty of stories about that, but I want to focus on something else.
Yesterday I had a situation that I could have easily allowed me to go to a place emotionally in frustration that I've been determined I will not go. As I was speaking I stayed polite, loving, and never allowed frustration to creep up. However as I was sitting down later, Ps 139 came across my mind with some conviction about the situation. Search me, know my heart, if their be a hurtful way, show me, guide me.
I said BUT GOD, I stayed calm, stable, positive, I never allowed frustration to overtake me. I said everything I was supposed to say. I acted just the way I SHOULD!!! (yea prideful much?) "Jessika I see your heart"
Okay okay OKAY... So maybe I "acted" the way I should, but deep down I wanted to tell this person what I really thought. BUT I DIDN'T. And when it was done I went right back to singing and being joyful!! UGH. Why does God ALWAYS have to do what He says. (sarcasm I promise)
This morning as I reflect, I realize how grateful I am that God does not change. I am grateful that He is true to His Word. I'm so thankful that I can see Him answering my prayer to search me, know me, convict me, and show me the way to look more like Jesus. I don't want to be someone who can say the right thing while being a hypocrite in my heart. I want to look like, sound like, think like, and love like Jesus, which means I will daily go under heart surgery for the rest of my life as the Holy Spirit takes one more wrong attitude and removes it, one more wrong motive and removes it.
Join with me in praying Ps. 139 and see as God begins to truly test your heart as you ask. It's painful for a moment, but will produce long term benefits as we begin to love like He loves.
Be Blessed, J. Tate