A few days ago I posted this status on Facebook."When someone mistreats you or doesn't like you, simply adopt the Dori method. "Just keep loving, just keep loving, just keep loving". Find a way to sow money into them without them knowing. If you have the opportunity tell them all the things you like about them. Take every opportunity to talk GOOD about them in public and boost their reputation. Prophesy blessing and greatness over them every time they cross your mind. Love trumps a spirit of offense and division, activate the opposite spirit and watch God work."
I was in the shower about a month ago talking to the Lord about a situation that a friend of mine was in. I knew that she wanted me to give her some advice on how to handle a situation that had hurt her heart very deeply. I knew I could "take her side" and say something like, "You shouldn't be treated like that!!!" or "Let them go and move on with your life". I could cut down the other person and say, "They're just blah blah blah, cut down, bash" and prophesy more of a negative identity over them. I understand that when people you love are truly hurt sometimes emotions get the best of us and that's the choice we make. I know that when our hearts are personally hurt we're blinded by pain and sometimes all we can see is flaws and the negative. However as I talked with Jesus in the shower, He released my tension by being funny and saying, "Just keep loving, just keep loving, just keep loving"
I enjoy Finding Nemo and Dori is honestly one of my favorite characters. (she reminds me of angels, but that's a whole other conversation)
After I posted this status there were some great comments on it and also a few messages from people asking more in depth questions. I wasn't actually meaning to address reconciliation, I wanted to address how to handle being mistreated, but praise God I love restoration and reconciliation as well.
I realize that we can do all we "know to do" to mend relationships and still not see reconciliation. I personally don't believe that is ever God's plan for believers, but it is a reality that we live in for Now. When we're in heaven we will truly be one body as Jesus prayed for in John 17. Jesus spoke to me a few months ago after reading John 17, "Jessika you can be the answer to My prayer, or you can be the reason I had to pray it" After that... I've decided I will always do EVERYTHING possible to be ONE with other believers, so that I can answer His prayer and not be why He prayed it.
For now while it's not always possible, We have a Biblical responsibility to do a few things.
1. Forgive (duh) (Col 3:12-15, Matt 6:14) 2. Attempt reconciliation whether you are the one in the wrong OR even if they are. (Matt. 5:23, Luke 12:58) 3. Pray for them and bless them ( Matt. 5:44)
The question I was asked to address is: "What to do when someone does not want reconciliation" We have multiple examples throughout the Bible of God's desire and intention for reconciliation. In fact you won't find any reference that God is AGAINST restoration. He wants it, He desires it, BUT if one/both parties won't repent and agree to be reconciled there are some beautiful ways to handle it.
1. Let it go. Yep. I said it. It's the hardest most painful part, but it is necessary. If someone chooses not to reconcile after you have actively pursued it, stated your purpose, repented, attempted, prayed etc. when God releases you then it's time to let it go. It doesn't mean God isn't still working on their heart, it just means that you shouldn't let it continue to abuse your heart. I think we can believe for restoration, pray for restoration, and still sow into restoration and let it go at the same time.
2. Don't give up. I know it sounds so contradictory. Some battles are won in the prayer closet. Some are won by sowing into what you need. Some are won through fighting. Some are won by resting. If you still need restoration in a relationship then give it to God without letting it consume you. Continue to pray for them and hand it over to Him when needed. Be diligent to help others seek restoration in theirs. One thing I learned from a situation like this in my life is that anytime I see two parties disagreeing and they seek my advice, I do EVERYTHING possible to encourage quick reconciliation. Don't let offense linger or lies will set in. Pursue peace, repent, forgive, and reconcile. Bring in other parties if needed.
3. Bless, Bless, Bless. When given the opportunity speak highly of the other person. If you see them often, encourage them verbally and publicly (from the heart not out of duty) This will actually be a good gauge of your own heart. Have you truly forgiven? Are you loving from 1 Cor. 13 unconditional love? If you can't bless them with a pure heart then you still have offense. (Ouch I know) Love is able to "clean the slate". It's able to "see the best" in all people. This means that you can sow into them financially, sow into their dreams, sow into their reputations, without a grudge. You can love them and speak very highly of them. If you haven't gotten that far in your healing yet, it's okay, just go back to the prayer closet. Pray and pray and pray for them until your heart is without offense and is completely healed up.
4. Remember that "Kingdom loyalty does not have to reject one person to show loyalty to another" (Bill Johnson) Just because you have unresolved issues with someone does not mean your friends and family should also. Actually encourage those in your circle to remain at peace with both parties. Don't allow your friends to "pick a side", if you see it confront it. That is how you keep your heart pure before God. When we ask for division in order to display loyalty then we're playing into the enemy's hand.
I hope this answers most of the questions, but if not, shoot me a message and I can write more! Remember this isn't all inclusive, follow the leading of the Holy Spirit, but remember He'll never contradict His Word. He loves you. He loves them. There are times we simply have to go on into what God has for us in the next season. No matter what happens remember that God will work all things for your good! His redeeming nature is stronger than any attack or attempt of the enemy! Your heartache and pain will be used for your advancement. That is my Jesus!
So, as those who have been chosen of God, holy and beloved, put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience; bearing with one another, and forgiving each other, whoever has a complaint against anyone; just as the Lord forgave you, so also should you. Beyond all these things put on love, which is the perfect bond of unity. (Col. 3:12-15)
Be Blessed, J. Tate